Brown Goo

This morning when I woke up Ben, I was surprised and disgusted....well maybe not so surprised, but definitely disgusted....to see brown goo smeared all over the bed sheets and pillow. Ugh. I was thankful for my stuffy nose as I roused him from sleep.

When he rolled over yawning, I was even more disgusted to see the brown goo smeared on his face...and concentrated around his mouth. Oh....surely not! I know he eats some weird things, but come on! Surely not..... Even Ben isn't that "hungry" is he?

Giving him a shake, being careful not to touch the brown goo, I said, "Ben! Ben! Wake up! You need to take a bath and get that stuff off of you!" Groggily, he opened his eyes and looked around at the bed. Suddenly, his eyes flew open and he said something like, "Aaaahyiya!"
He scrunched up in a ball as far away from the brown goo as possible and said, "Mom! What is that?"

I said, "What do you mean? You should know! You're the one who put it there!"

He said, "No, I didn't!"

I thought this was a little weird, considering the fact that it was smeared all over his face. I said, "Benjamin Gottlieb! You get up right now and get this mess cleaned up!"

Ben carefully maneuvered himself around the brown goo and climbed down off the bed. As he stood up, I noticed something sticking to the butt region of his pajamas. I reached over and peeled it off.

A chocolate doughnut wrapper. The remnants of his secret midnight snack.

Thank God.

Ben's Latest Referral

Ben got another referral.

Surprised? I didn't think so. However, the reason for the referral *might* surprise you. It says: "During reading group, Ben told another student, who is white, 'I don't like white people.'"
When Mike and I read this, I looked at Ben and said, "What about us?" Ben's very thought out answer was, "Huh?"

Mike said, "Well, Ben...you said that you don't like white people. But what about us? Mom and I are white."

Ben said, "I forgot about you."

I said, "You forgot about us? You forgot you had parents?"

"No!" he said, as though this was the silliest thing I could have ever said. "I just forgot what color you were!"

Oh. That explains it.

The Prodigal Purse Has Returned

The Prodigal Purse has returned.

Although the purse was definitely NOT under my bed earlier....somehow it mysteriously appeared under there a little bit ago. Ben also had the sudden inspiration to look under the bed *again* to see if he missed it earlier.

Unfortunately, the purse has returned too late for us to make it to the movies....and too late for a McDonald's lunch....but at least it made it in time for Ben to be able to go to his friend's birthday party this afternoon.

That darn purse. What was it thinking?

I sure am lucky to have a little boy like Ben to find it for me. What do other mothers do without a Ben to find their Prodigal Purses?

I can't even imagine......

Here Pursey, Pursey....

My purse has disappeared.

It was here yesterday. I gave all of the kiddos their allowance while sitting on my bed. My purse was HERE.

Right after that, Mike took four kids to the camper. They cannot be the guilty parties.

Josh was in his bedroom, didn't even get allowance because he hasn't done any chores, and he wouldn't have taken it anyway. Josh is not the culprit.

Rhiana got her money. Granted, she asked for more money because she was going to Chicago today, but when she was given an opportunity to earn more money, she decided not to take it. Although a few years ago, I would have automatically thought it was her, thankfully, we are beyond that. She is not the culprit.

Maybe Sophie? Hmmm....although she does have an extraordinary sense of fashion for a dog, since the purse is heavier than she is, I'm thinking not....

Baxter? Nah. The only thing he would want to do with the purse is use it for a scratching post.
Paulie? Well, considering he's stuck in his birdcage, it makes it highly unlikely that he would have absconded with it....even if he *could* lift it.

Who does that leave? Let me think.... Thinking.... Thinking....

Well, really, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who is left, does it? Anybody want to say it with me? Benjamin!!!!!!

I refuse to obsess about it at this point. Hopefully, it is somewhere in the house.

So how am I handling this?

Well, I called a friend of mine (with Ben in earshot) and told her what a shame it was that my purse is missing. I pointed out to her how sad it was that without that purse, our plans for the day have to change.

Without the money in that purse, I will not be able to take Ben to the movies today. Awww.....such a shame.

Without the money in that purse, I will not be able to go to the store to buy a birthday present for Ben's friend today. I'll have to call the little boy's mom to let her know why Ben won't be able to be at the birthday party this afternoon. So sad.

Without the money in that purse, lunch at McDonald's is definitely out. Bummer. And I was really looking forward to lunch out with Ben. *sigh*

Man....what a bummer.

You know what we *can* do without a purse?

We can clean the house. We can do laundry. We can sweep, and vacuum, and scrub the toilets.

We can go through Ben's clothes to pull out the ones that are too small now. We can pack up the winter clothes and unpack the summer clothes.

We can make tuna for lunch. I *love* tuna. I don't think Ben is real fond of it though.

Hmmm.....I wonder where that purse could have gotten to? Maybe it's a magical purse and it walked away on it's own? You think?

We shall see how long it takes for the purse to magically appear again. In the meantime, I will enjoy my time here with my wonderful little boy. I would much rather spend the day here at home with Ben anyway.

With the price of gas these days, maybe I have just discovered a new way of saving some money....

Seven Year Old Boys

When seven year old boys don't get boiled eggs when they want them, they get very angry.

When seven year old boys are angry, they take it out on the eggs.

Eggs make a huge mess when seven year old boys smash them onto the metal shelving of a refrigerator.

When eggs are smashed onto the metal shelving of a refrigerator by a seven year old boy, they fall through and make a mess on the bottom of the refrigerator.

If you don't discover these smashed eggs until after the seven year old boy has left for school, they start to get really nasty.

Seven year old boys get suspended from school when they get into fights before school has started.

When seven year old boys get suspended, they get to clean semi-dried egg goop from the bottom of the refrigerator.

Seven year old boys that enjoy smashing eggs do NOT like to clean up semi-dried egg goop.

Seven year old boys who throw temper tantrums because they have to clean semi-dried egg goop are sent to their rooms for naps.

Seven year old boys do not like being sent to their rooms for naps.

Some very unique seven year old boys show their displeasure at being told to take naps by pooping in the cat box.

When seven year old boys poop in a cat box, it stinks badly.

If the seven year old boy poop stinks badly enough, the ten year old family cat will bury the poop.

Although seven year old boys may get some weird satisfaction from pooping in the cat box, they do NOT like scooping the poop.

Mothers of seven year old boys who smash eggs, get suspended for fighting, and poop in cat boxes get gray hair, need naps, and frequently question their own sanity.

Benjamin's Referral

Ben got a referral today. This is nothing unusual. As a matter of fact, he's had a referral every school day for the past 7 or 8 days now. But this referral....well, it was something special. It said:

"Ben told another student he was going to pinch her nipples. When another student asked him what those are, he told him they were 'titties'."

His vocabulary seems to be growing by leaps and bounds. Quite advanced, wouldn't you say?

He's even defining difficult words for other children. I think they should give him a special award for being the vocabulary helper.

I am such a proud, proud mommy.

I know you're jealous. Eat your heart out. He's all mine....

What If There Was a Flood?

This is an interchange that took place last night while Ben and I were snuggled up watching TV.

"Mom, what if there was a flood?

"Don't worry, Sweetie. We're not going to have a flood."

"But what if there was? Just what if?"

"Then Dad and I would keep you safe."

"But what if I fell in? What if the water got too high and I fell in?"

"Then I would get you out."

"But what if it was like the ocean, and the water was so deep that it didn't stop?"

"Baby, I would still get you out."

"You shouldn't do that 'cause you could get drowned."

"I'd rather drown than for you to drown. I'd still get you out."

Ben seemed to soak this in. He looked so confused. I could see the emotions moving over his face like waves.

"You mean, you care about me more than you care about yourself?"

"Yes."

"But why?"

"Because you're my little boy."

"But you shouldn't do that. You would die."

"I would rather die and let you be okay."

Again, he just seemed to be thinking about this so hard. The waves of emotion were crashing over his little face.

"Nobody loves me that much."

"Dad and I do."

Once again, wave after wave was written across his face.

"I didn't know that. I didn't know you care about me more than yourself."

"Ben, what would you do if you fell in the water?"

"Probably just let myself drown 'cause I didn't think nobody loved me enough to get me out."

"Ben, Dad and I love you enough to get you out. We would get you out or die trying. You are our little boy. I would be so sad if I didn't have you."

"You would?"

"Yes."

"I didn't know that."

Things got quiet for a few minutes. We snuggled up some more. Then he said....

"You really care about me more than you care about yourself?

"Yes, Ben, I do."

"I didn't know anybody could do that."

"Why not?"

"I just didn't. I didn't think anybody loved me that much."

"Well, Dad and I do. We love you that much."

"I just didn't know."

Ben snuggled up against me tighter.

"I'm glad."

"Me, too."

"I love you too, Mom."

"I'm glad."

"Me, too."

Just Checking

My little boy Benjamin.

He came home from school today and jumped into my lap for some cuddle time. He gave me big hugs and was just as sweet as can be. I tickled his toes and he laughed beautifully. His smile lit up my bedroom better than the sun shining in my window. He has undergone a huge change in the past ten days. It’s truly amazing.

I’m not kidding myself. I know it might not last. But I’m going to take it while I’ve got it and enjoy every minute of it. Why throw out the good now because of the possibility of a bad some day?

I realized after dinner that we were out of milk, so I decided to go to Walmart to get some since Mike was working late. I took Ben with me and left the other kids with Josh and Rhiana. On the way there, Ben was just chatting away about his day. He told me how he didn’t lose any cards at school. He also said that he was doing really good with his stealing, and he hasn’t stolen anything today.

Then, what he said blew me away.

He said, "But you’d love me anyway, right Mom? Even if I did steal? Even when I’m bad, you love me anyway? Cause I’m your baby, right, Mom? And you’ll always love me no matter what, right?"

I said, "Absolutely, Benny Bob. I’ll love you always and forever, no matter what!"

He said, "And you won’t ever leave me, will you Mom? You’ll always be my Mom, right?"

I said, "You betcha’ Benny Bob. I’m your Mommy, always and forever. I’ll never leave you. You’ll always be my baby."

"Even when I’m big, Mom? Even when I’m a big boy? I’ll still be your baby then?"

"Yep. You’ll still be my baby no matter how big you get. Part of you will always be my baby."
"Okay, Mom," Ben said. "I was just checkin’."

I’m so thankful that he finally trusts me enough to check.

Tattletales

Okay...see if this makes sense to you....

Ben just came running in from outside shouting, "Mom!!! Mom!!!! Gabby said she’s gonna tell on me! Tell her she can’t tell on me!"

I looked at him, trying to stifle a giggle at the obvious. "Ben," I said, "what is Gabby going to tattle on you for?"

"She said she’s gonna tell on me for riding my bike through her sidewalk chalk. That’s all I did. Just rode my bike through her sidewalk chalk! And she said she’s gonna tell. I told her we’re not supposed to tattle!"

Duh.

I sighed. "Well, Ben...maybe if you don’t ride your bike through her sidewalk chalk, she won’t be able to tattle."

Ben strained to understand this logic, then said, "Well, but you said we’re not supposed to tattle. So can I tell her not to tattle?"

"Sure, Ben. Tell her she doesn’t need to tattle because you already tattled on yourself. Now keep your bike off of her sidewalk chalk."

"Thanks, Mom!" Ben runs for the door, yelling, "Gabbby, I told Mom you were gonna tattle....and I was right....we’re not supposed to tattle!!!"

Ironic, isn’t it?

The Carnivoy is Gonna Get Me!

Ben was taking a bath. Suddenly, I heard him yell, "Mom! Mom! Come quick!"

Luckily, I wasn’t far away, so I ran to the bathroom very quickly. I saw Ben, standing naked in the tub, soapy bubbles all over him from head to toe. Baxter, our cat, was standing up on his hind legs, one front paw up on the edge of the tub, the other paw reaching out to Benjamin’s.....well......you know.

Benjamin backed up as far as he could, and kept putting his scrubby down in front of his....you know.....trying to keep Baxter from swatting it. I tried hard not to laugh.

Stifling a laugh, I said, "What’s wrong, Ben?"

He said, "Mom, the carnivoy is trying to get me!"

Huh?

Confused, I said, "What’s trying to get you, Ben?"

Again, he said, "The carnivoy is trying to get me!"

I asked, "Baxter? Do you mean Baxter?"

He said, "Yeah! Baxter is a carnivoy! Our teacher said cats are carnivoys and they eat meat!"

Laughing, I said, "You mean carnivore?"

"Yeah," he replied, "A carnivore! Baxter is a carnivore and he’s gonna get me!"

Baxter once again reached for Ben’s...you know.....and swatted.

"Ahhhhhh!!!" Ben yelled. I went into the bathroom, picked up the wild carnivore and put him in the hallway. Relieved, Ben sat down.

"Thanks!" he said. "I thought that carnivoy was going to eat my meat for sure!"

Son or Pet? You Decide.

*Our cat pulls out his hair. So does our son.
*Our dog loves doggie treats. So does our son.
*Birds like to steal shiny objects. So does our son.
*Our cat uses a litter box. So does our son.
*Our dog runs off if we’re not looking. So does our son.
*Our bird likes to chatter incessantly. So does our son.
*Our cat likes to eat bugs. So does our son.
*Dogs like to chew on things. So does our son.
*Male dogs sometimes pee on people. So does our son.
*Birds put everything in their mouth. So does our son.
*Cats scratch when they are angry. So does our son.
*Cats jump over gates and climb on furniture. So does our son.
*Viscious dogs scare people. So does our son.
*Nice dogs like to lick you. So does our son.
*Cats like to rub their face on you. So does our son.
*Our bird tends to scatter his food everywhere. So does our son.
*Dogs sometimes pee on the carpet. So does our son.
*Some dogs bite. So does our son.
*Dogs growl. So does our son.
*Cats meow. So does our son.
*Our dog likes to hump our cat. So does our.....I think I’ll stop now.

Reparenting Ben

Well, back to the drawing board.

Most of my blogs are funny....this one is not one of those. So, if you’re looking for a laugh....you might want to skip this one. If you’re looking for bare emotion.....this is the blog for you.

Why is it that as soon as you feel like you’re making progress with a RAD kid, you slide backward without warning? For whatever reason, that’s what has happened with Ben.

I think there must be something that triggered all of this. If we could figure out the trigger, I think we’d be able to get past it. Who knows how long that will take?

It’s so easy to get mad and just blame the kid when things like this happens. I mean, come on....what 7 year old pees in his closet? I know that Ben makes choices. However, I don’t think that Ben is in control of those choices. I don’t believe he chooses to live this way. Why would anyone choose to do that?

I can’t imagine how terrible he must feel inside his little head. What is it in his past that makes him want to pull out his hair, pee everywhere, and steal constantly? What is it that makes him hate himself so much? Why is it that he feels so unworthy of love that he can’t allow the little boy inside to be comforted?

So, we’re going back to square one. Ben told me last week that he wanted to be a baby again. Silly me....I should’ve listened to him right then and there. But I didn’t. Bad Mommy. So, what did he do? He showed me he wants to be a baby again by peeing in his room. That’s okay. I can handle a little bit of pee!

So, today, we went shopping.

We bought an octagonal shaped play yard to be Ben’s playpen. He loved it! When we were in the baby section looking for that, he saw baby toys and went wild! He wanted teething rings, rattles, little stuffed animals with chewable hands, and musical toys that toddlers usually love. He wanted baby wipes and diapers. He wanted baby cereal and toddler biter biscuits. And he wanted a little seahorse that lights up and plays lullabies.

What monsters haunt his dreams? What terrors reside in the recesses of his little mind? What memories make him feel so insecure that he feels like he must rely on himself alone? I can’t even imagine. But I do know one thing: if a little seahorse that lights up and plays soothing lullabies makes my baby boy feel calmer, safer, and comforted....well, it’s worth it to me. If holding my 7 year old baby in my lap and cuddling with him and talking baby talk to him makes him feel protected, then why wouldn’t I do that? If he needs a baby bottle to feel like his tummy will finally be filled, how can I not provide that for him?

I know this is unconventional. Those of you who read this who aren’t familiar with Reactive Attachment Disorder are probably thinking that I’m nuts. Maybe I am. But right now, I’m fighting for my baby boy’s life. I’m fighting for his future. I’m fighting for his self-worth. I’m fighting for HIM.

Some battles are waged with guns and bombs. Some are waged with fists. Some are waged with shouts and angry words. And some battles are waged with hugs, kisses, baby bottles, teething rings, and stuffed seahorses.

So, I’ll pick up my chosen weapons of war and ride into battle on a little blue seahorse that glows and softly plays a Pacobel tune.

After all, my Benjamin is worth fighting for.

School Communication Problem

Shouldn’t schools let you know if your 7 year old is suspended from school? You’d think so!!

We sent Ben to school this morning, only to get a phone call telling us that he got suspended yesterday for stabbing someone in the arm with a pencil. Luckily, the other kid had on a jacket and wasn’t injured. The lady who called seemed quite shocked that Ben had not voluntarily given us the form showing that he was suspended!

Is she new? Does she not know my son at all?!?

LOLOLOL...... Laugh or cry? Again, I choose laughter.

Off to go spend some quality time with my little warrior.....

The Weirdest Call From The School Nurse Ever

Rrrrring.......Rrrrring.....Rrrrring.....

Hello.

Hello. May I speak with Mrs. Gottlieb?

This is she.

Hi. This is the school nurse at Ben’s school. Is this a good time?

Oh, sure. How can I help you?

Well, Ben was in the office today, and I noticed that he has a large bald patch on the side of his head. Are you aware of this, Mrs. Gottlieb?

Why, yes, I am. It would be hard to miss, don’t you think?

Well, that’s true, Mrs. Gottlieb. However, I wanted to call to discuss this with you, as this is a very serious issue.

Well, thank you for taking the time to call me. I assure you, we are working on this problem.

Mrs. Gottlieb, I wanted to let you know that this is called trichotillomania. This is a medical condition that drives people to pull out their hair.

Yes, ma’am. I am aware of the condition seeing as how my son has it.

Okay. Well, I just wanted to make sure that you knew he has a bald spot. Also, I noticed he was actually eating his hair. This is also a symptom of trichotillomania.

Yes, ma’am. We are aware of the fact that Ben eats his hair after he pulls it out. He also likes to nibble on the skin from his fingers and toes.

Oh, my. His toes? I saw him picking at his fingers. Trichotillomania sufferers often pick at their skin, as well.

Yes, I know. It is apparently all tied up with his OCD.

Well, I did want to let you know that I sent some information to his regular classroom teacher, his PE teacher, and his music teacher about trichotillomania. I explained to them that this is a medical condition and not something he is doing to be stubborn, or to be a distraction in the classroom.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Yes, it is irritating when children get so stubborn that they pull their own hair out and eat it, isn’t it? It’s a good thing they won’t think Ben is just being stubborn.

I thought so. I wouldn’t want him to get into trouble for eating his hair in class.

Yes, that would be a shame.

Yes. I thought so. So anyway, like I said, I just wanted to make sure that you know that Ben has been pulling his hair out and eating it. Okay....have a great day!

You too. Thanks again for calling.

Click.

Letter to the Teacher

Dear Ms. C:

Good morning! I hope this day finds you energetic. If this morning is any indication, you will need every drop of energy available to deal with darling Benny Bob today. He is bouncing off the walls this morning. I'm not sure the walls will survive if he doesn't leave for school soon!

You will notice that Ben has a sling on today. No, he did not injure himself while doing the wall bounces! The sling is not for an injury at all. This is what I am tentatively calling our "Benjamin Anti-theft Device," or BAD for short.

The BAD came about in a moment of inspiration when we were discussing with Benjamin the possible consequences of stealing. This led to a discussion of historical proportions in which someone mentioned that in some countries, the punishment for stealing is to have the offending hand amputated.

Since I am fairly sure that amputation is not a feasible option at this time, we decided to try to simulate amputation by putting his arm in the experimental BAD. In the interest of schoolwork, we have chosen to provide young Benjamin with this valuable lesson by putting his left arm in the BAD instead of the more historically accurate "offending" arm.

I have taken great care to sew this BAD so that, hopefully, he will not be able to use it as a pocket for hiding his "loot," as I am fairly sure that this would defeat the purpose entirely and nullify the experiment.

I think the BAD might also have the side-effect of making it difficult for our little monkey to climb the bathroom stalls. However, as testing has not been completed in this area, that hope might be prematurely optimistic.

We did run some rudimentary tests with the BAD last night. Various sibling volunteers left their iPods and Gameboys around to see if they could be stolen and kept undetected with only one hand. Although we need further research to duplicate these findings, I am pleased to report that the BAD was effective in theft prevention.

I am, of course, aware that the BAD could become a distraction in the classroom. If this occurs, please feel free to remove the BAD from the classroom and send it to the office.
He can even carry his sling with him.

Yours truly,
Kristie

I Fear We Have Met Our Match

Benjamin.

It's a word that strikes terror into the hearts of countless teachers, children, and senior citizens who live around us. But not us. *We* are smarter than all of these silly people who can't handle one little child. Come on! He's 7 years old. What is wrong with these people? What schmuck can't handle a 7 year old little boy?!?

I mean...just because a kid eats boogers, hair, dog treats, and other unmentionable items...just because a kid finds a piece of used chewing gum on the floor of Walmart and pops it in his mouth....what's wrong with that? Some people might call that strange. I say he's frugal and has a very varied diet. Who knows what nutrients we are missing out on by NOT eating boogers and hair? Why...if I could get all of my kids to do that, I could virtually stop buying snacks! And you KNOW those dog treats have to be nutritious...it says so right on the can. Plus they freshen his breath for when he gives those doggy kisses. The dog really seems to enjoy the affection.

And the ever-changing aromas that waft from this child's body is an absolute delight to the senses. Where else can you get a mixture of urine, baby lotion, bubble gum (stolen from his sister), axe spray (stolen from his brother), and the occasional hint of poop? We should market that fragrance and sell it for $50 a bottle. We could call it "Eau de Benji." I bet it would be a hit in Paris.

And he is so considerate of others. At 7 years old, he already voluntarily uses deodorant. Granted, the deodorant is stolen from the medicine cabinet....but that's not such a big deal, is it? You know how some kids barely put any deodorant on? Not our little Benny Bob! That boy smears deodorant on from head to toe. It actually makes him slippery to the touch! Hmmm...I wonder if that's the idea? It makes it harder to catch him when he's making his fast getaway.

And my little angel is *so* creative! Why just this morning, he told me that he left his homework folder at school. Then he told his teacher he left it at home! Isn't that amazing how he can think on his feet so quickly? I am such a proud mother!

I will admit that the stares of adoring fans are somewhat bothersome when we go out. I just hope the paparazzi don't find out where we live! Obviously, he is easily recognizable.... He's so fashion forward! For example, last year when he wore the suspenders for three months because those darn pants of his just kept falling off of his body during Kindergarten. Geez...what is the problem with those pants?! Sometimes, they even managed to drag his underwear right down with them! It was purely coincidental that these incidents occurred when he was mad at someone.

Oh, and his hair! He always knows exactly which hairs to pluck to create that perfect circular bald spot on the side of his head. And I really admire the way he rubs hair lotion onto the bald spot so that his skin shines. It really brightens up my day.

Yes, our Benjamin adds so much to our lives. I could go on and on and on....

What's that you say?

Why are you laughing?

You say that's not normal?

Whatever do you mean?

Our Ben? Abnormal?

Really?!?!?

Oh.

Benjamin's Favorite Snacks

Ben is pulling his hair out again.

He has this huge bald spot over his left ear. I know this sounds alarming, but honestly, we got over the alarm part a while back. Now, we just sort of look at him and say, "Oh, another bald spot." He is truly a weird kid.

Today at dinner, we were having chicken nuggets. He reached up, yanked out a piece of hair, popped it in his mouth, and said, "Yum." No kidding. He may have even dipped it in BBQ sauce.

Yesterday, we were watching TV when Kim yelled out, "Oooo...stop that! Gross!" I looked over to see Ben pulling boogers out of his nose and eating them. I said, "Ben! Don't do that! Go spit that out!" He looked at me with innocent eyes, and said, "Too late." Popcorn? Ben don't need no stinkin' popcorn! Popcorn is for wimps!

Tonight, when he went to bed, I went to tuck him in. He was obviously chewing on something. The interchange went something like this:

Ben, what is in your mouth?
"Nothing."
Ben, don't lie. I know you have something in your mouth. What are you eating?
"Nothing."
Benjamin! What are you chewing on?
"It's just skin."
What?!
"Skin. From my toes."
What?!
"Don't worry, Mom. It's just meat."

Like I said, he is a REALLY weird kid. Look on the bright side: We'll save a fortune on the grocery bill.

Of course, now I'm wondering what was in that snack mix he made for me at school last week...