Paradoxical Situations

If a child is old enough to say in very clear English, "Go back upstairs! I have to change my Pamper!"shouldn't he be too old for Pampers?

If a child understands that others shouldn't see him while changing his Pamper, shouldn't he also understand that pulling down his underwear in public is not okay?

If a child steals a toy from his sister, shouldn't he know better than to tattle on his brother for stealing the stolen toy from him?

If a child pulls his hair out of his head in the winter, shouldn't that child expect his hairless head to be cold when it is freezing outside?

If a kid peels the skin off of his fingers and toes, shouldn't he expect them to hurt and bleed?

If a child picks up chewed gum off of the ground, shouldn't he expect it to include a little bit of dirt and gravel?

If a child pours milk into his vegetable soup, shouldn't he expect it to be "milky"?

If a child pours red kool-aid into his cereal, shouldn't he expect it to be pink?

If a child pees in his toy box, shouldn't he expect his toys to be wet?

If a child pulls the cat's tail, shouldn't he expect to be scratched?

If a child poops in his underwear, shouldn't he expect it to be "squishy"?

If a child puts his finger in a pill splitter and pushes it down, shouldn't he expect it to cut him?

If a child uses his CD to scratch up his brother's skateboard, shouldn't he also expect it to scratch up his CD?

If a child throws his dirty socks in the trash, shouldn't he expect to run out of socks?

And most of all, if a child hates himself, shouldn't he still expect to be loved?

Busy Brain In the Wee Hours of the Morning

Why is it that I get so tired during the day....sometimes for days on end....but when I get in the bed the least bit early, I wake up at 3:00 am??? Whatever it is that causes it, that is where I am. Awake. Wide awake. No hopes of going back to sleep. At least not until it's time for the kids to wake up. LOL.

While suffering from insomnia, I took some time to revisit an online RAD support group that I have belonged to for years and years. I remember when I joined that group. I was desperate. I didn't know what the heck was going on with my daughter, and I needed help. Unfortunately for me, life became even more hectic and all-consuming, and I sort of forgot that I was even part of this list. When I revisited the site and read some of the emails from "RAD newbies," I can't help but remember the stress of those early years. Thank God for the progress we have made.

Don't get me wrong. We still have plenty of problems....as evident by my "Actual things said in the Gottlieb house..." blog. LOL. Or any Benjamin Blog you choose. We definitely have plenty of moments where I wonder if it will ever get better. However, things have changed in such fundamental ways. Yes, most of my kids have changed. They have made progress....more progress than I thought was possible, honestly. The real eye opener, however, came when one of the cries for help on that list reminded me of how *I* have changed.

Thank God for the wisdom of Nancy Thomas and Deborah Hage. Thank God for "99 Ways to Drive Your Children Sane." It should be called "99 Ways to Keep Your Sanity When You Feel Like the Whole World is Crazy."

Dealing with RAD can suck the fun right out of a home. The RAD children make life so difficult that you have the urge to build an inpenetrable fortress. A wall around you to keep the pain out. At first, the pain is almost too much to bear. It keeps coming at you and coming at you. You question yourself: What did I do? I wanted to help this child....instead, I'm hurting my entire family. You beat yourself up because you can't "fix" it. Moms are supposed to be able to fix it, right?

And then, for me, that pain became resentment. Oh, how I resented my daughter! How I wished that I could go back in time and NOT do it. I just wanted it to be over. I could not imagine my life being like this from now on. I started to turn off my emotions. I just decided I wasn't going to let her hurt me anymore. Or at least I was going to pretend that she didn't hurt me. By sheer accident, I found something that actually started to work! LOL. When I didn't show that she hurt me, she didn't get what she wanted. I didn't give her the reward she was looking for.

Out of desperation, I started searching and searching and searching....and found Nancy Thomas. I thought....what? This woman is nuts! This stuff isn't going to work!

So I went on about my own way....trying to do it the way I *knew* I was supposed to do it. This knowledge was, of course, based on years of college and teaching experience and parenting. Ha! Guess what people! You can't take "normal" parenting strategies and expect it to work on RAD kids!

Finally, when I reached rock bottom, I was so desperate that I decided to try Nancy Thomas' way of doing things. To my surprise, it worked! Then the next idea worked! And the next... Now, I'm not saying that everything worked. Of course not. Not every idea works with every kid. You have to tweak it. Sometimes you have to fly by the seat of your pants. You have to be creative.

That is where everything changed for me. It was a subtle change...but very real. Instead of seeing this as a battle that had to be fought, I started to view it as a challenge that I was choosing to take on. I started to force myself to think of it as a game. A back and forth of mental prowess.

No one is so shocked as I am that my biggest mental foe turned out to be a 9 year old girl. LOL. Doesn't say a lot about my brain power, now does it? When it came to parenting this child, the degree that I spent tens of thousands of dollars earning.....and will be paying for from now on....was worth nothing more than the piece of paper it was written on. However, a paperback book that cost me $13 changed my life. If you are a RAD parent, and you don't have "When Love Is Not Enough," what are you waiting for?!? Go order it now! LOL.

So what changed? It's simple. I decided to start putting fun back into my family again. If my daughter wanted chaos, then by golly, she was gonna get chaos! But it was going to be chaos that I chose. I was going to be in charge of the chaos.

My theory is that RAD kids crave adrenaline. Normal feels scary to them. Scary feels good. It's a paradoxical situation, to be sure. So how do you combat this? You get silly. You wear weird hats. You moo like a cow. You throw pancakes across the table like a frisbee. You find joy and hang onto it with all of your might. And if you are so deep in the mire that you can't find joy, you fake it. Seriously.

Mike and I are terrible at fighting. Really. On March 15th, we'll have been married for 12 years. You know what our secret is? We can't have a darn argument without laughing. I think, in part, it's because Mike is just this big ol' teddy bear kinda guy....and although he can get cranky and take on his "umpire" persona, for the most part, he's just a big ol' kid. When I get mad at him, which I frequently do, and start grumping at him....he usually says or does something that inevitably makes me want to laugh. Oh, I fight it. I try to hold it back. I even get mad at him for making me want to laugh when I'm mad. But usually, the urge to laugh is far more powerful than the urge to be mad.

One day it hit me...why not use this on my kids? So I started doing anything I could do to short-circuit their attempts to make me miserable by doing everything in my power to make them laugh. Obviously, there are times that you have to be serious. You can't laugh off animal cruelty, for example. But you would be AMAZED at what you can choose to laugh off.
Pooping in a bucket? It's hard to laugh when you discover it in your kid's bedroom...but you gotta admit...it's funny. Peeing on a classmate? Well, I'm sure you are grinning a little bit right now at the very idea of that one!

I'm not saying you can laugh at everything, but come on, in order to parent these kind of kids, you absolutely have to be able to NOT take yourself too seriously. You have to be willing to look like a fool in public. If you're not, you might as well hang up your keys because you're not going anywhere for a very long time.

For me, the secret was to not allow my children to know that I was embarrassed. Is it embarrassing to have an 11 year old pee on herself in public? You bet. However, ask yourself: Who owns the embarrassment? It shouldn't be you. If you are owning the embarrassment, you need to return that gift to the generous person that gave it to you in the first place: your kid!
If anyone is still with me on this long, winding road, I leave you with this bit of wisdom. LOL.

Laugh. Laugh whenever you can. Smile if you don't feel like laughing. Pretend you are holding back a laugh. Practice saying things like, "Oh, you are so silly!" in the mirror so that you can repeat it convincingly to your child.

Put Jolly Ranchers in your socks and when things look like they are going to blow, drop to the floor and claw at your feet, screaming, "Oh, my feet! My feet! Something's in my sock!" If the kid won't come to your aid, pull your sock off by yourself. Picture a pinata bursting. Candy flying everywhere. Even the most hard nosed kid in the world is gonna want a piece of that candy!

Kid picking a fight? Before you turn around to look at him/her, pull the wad of gum out of your mouth and stick it on your nose. You'll feel stupid, but you'll look even more ridiculous! That kid is gonna at least be confounded for a few seconds...even if they don't laugh outright.

Short-circuit the anger. Do things to add chaos to your life.....but chaos that you control. Organized chaos. Planned chaos. Don't be afraid to be silly. It might seem hard at first....especially if you have been living in a state of doom and gloom for a while, but it will get easier.

Anger is like a comma. When in doubt, leave it out.

When in doubt....laugh.

Actual Things Heard in the Gottlieb Household

*Mmmm....hair dipped in BBQ sauce is good!
*That's not a cookie! It's a dog biscuit!
*Mom, he's eating boogers again!
*No, you may not bite my toenails. I'll use the clippers. Thanks anyway.
*Benjamin! Stop licking my toe! Mom, he's doing it again!
*CJ, that's AIR freshener, not hair freshener!
*I think I'm just gonna pee in the toilet from now on...
*No Gabby! The dog doesn't like it when you stick a pencil there!
*Mom, why is there kool-aid in the bathtub?
*Zach...Kim is right. You are not supposed to swallow the mouthwash!
*Gabby, did you drink the sea monkeys?
*Kim, your pants are on backwards....again.
*Ben...why is there pee in your toybox?
*Mom....CJ forgot to put on pants.
*Honey, I found the smell.... *gag*
*Is that an ice cream bucket full of poop?!?
*I'm done with my snack. I'm gonna go puke now.
*Rhiana, no more puking at the dinner table!
*Ben, honey....the cat can lick himself.
*CJ, those aren't shorts! Your waist is through the neck hole!
*Urine fumes are corrosive to CD players, you know.
*Don't let her eat the cat litter!!
*Benjamin, why don't you pull your hair out before you come to the table?
*Why are you wearing 16 pairs of socks?!?
*CJ, you can't glue hair to your arm pits! It'll grow in on it's own.
*No, Ben...you can't pull out all of your teeth to get more money from the Tooth Fairy!
*Ewwwww....what did I just step in?!?
*Honey, Ben peed from the top bunk again! Everything's soaked!
*Oh no! That was his nighttime meds! *sigh* I'll write another note to the teacher.....
*Benjamin! They don't need to see your penis anymore!
*Mom, I forgot to wear underwear to school today, but don't worry--I didn't get on the monkey bars! (Said by my daughter while wearing a skirt!)
*No...deodorant doesn't go on your face.
*I know it says moisturizing soap, but you can't use it for lotion!
*You put what in your hair?!?
*No, you can't have a bowl of butter for a snack!
*At least he made it 30 minutes before being suspended today!
*Ben, you can't pee on people that make you angry. It's upsetting to your classmates.
*No, Ben! The doctor won't give you another shot just so you'll be even! You'll just have to deal with it!
*Gabrielle! Why are you outside naked?!?
*CJ, you cannot stuff seven big marshmallows in your mouth at once! Well....would you look at that...
*I don't know how that got in my underwear!
*It's just a little pee. Can't I wash it? It still tastes good!
*Ben! Stop chewing gum that you find on the ground!
*Yes, Josh, I know. I need a vacation, too.

And Now For a Change of Pace...

Mike is really getting into blogging. Or at least he's trying to get into blogging. His computer seems to have other ideas.

This is a typical night in the Gottlieb household, after the children have gone to bed. Mike enters the bedroom....

Mike: "What'cha doin'?"
Kristie: "Blogging."
Mike: "OK. I'm going to, too."

Minutes pass. The sound of clicking keys is all that can be heard. Until...

Mike: "Daggum it!"
Kristie: "What baby?"
Mike: "Stupid thing. It don't like me."
Kristie: "I'm sorry Sweetie....what's it's doing now?"
Mike: "It won't let me download a picture to myspace!"
Kristie: "Let me see.....Oh, here's the problem. You have to pick a picture first."
Mike: "Oh."

Silence resumes. Clicking keys.

Mike: "Crap!"
Kristie: "What is it Sweetie?"
Mike: "Stupid thing."
Kristie: "What honey?"
Mike: "It won't turn the words the right color...."
Kristie: "Let me see....Oh...you have to highlight the words before you choose a color. There you go...."
Mike: "Oh."

Silence again. Clicking keys.

Mike: "Ah...this sucks!"
Kristie: "What is it Pookie Bear?"
Mike: "Stupid computer."
Kristie: "Bad computer. What is it doing now?"
Mike: "It's froze. Stupid thing is stuck."
Kristie: "Let me see....Oh...okay.... Sweetie...you have to wait until the little hour glass thingie has stopped flipping over and over....See? Now it's moving."
Mike: "Oh."

Silence resumes. Clicking keys.

Mike: "Well, that just freaking sucks!"
Kristie: "What's wrong baby?"
Mike: "I spend all that time trying to write a blog and it just disappears on me! I hate this. I quit!"
Kristie: "I'm sorry baby."

Mike gets up.

Kristie: "Where are you going?"
Mike: "To the bathroom. I need to practice taking the toilet paper off the roll and wiping my butt." (This is his sarcastic way of letting me know that he doesn't know how to do ANYTHING.)

Silence resumes...until he comes back in the room. Apparently, he has gotten his "anger" out of his system. He is smiling again.

Kristie: "How was practice?"
Mike: "It wasn't as hard as I thought."
Kristie: "Well, that's good."
Mike: "Don't you write about this in your blog. It's going in mine."

Oops. Too late.
Mike wiggles his fingers in the air like a magician getting ready to perform his best trick of the night.

Mike: "Just sit back and be amazed!"

Well, I am amazed...

Letter to the Teacher

Dear Ms. C:

Good morning! I hope this day finds you energetic. If this morning is any indication, you will need every drop of energy available to deal with darling Benny Bob today. He is bouncing off the walls this morning. I'm not sure the walls will survive if he doesn't leave for school soon!

You will notice that Ben has a sling on today. No, he did not injure himself while doing the wall bounces! The sling is not for an injury at all. This is what I am tentatively calling our "Benjamin Anti-theft Device," or BAD for short.

The BAD came about in a moment of inspiration when we were discussing with Benjamin the possible consequences of stealing. This led to a discussion of historical proportions in which someone mentioned that in some countries, the punishment for stealing is to have the offending hand amputated.

Since I am fairly sure that amputation is not a feasible option at this time, we decided to try to simulate amputation by putting his arm in the experimental BAD. In the interest of schoolwork, we have chosen to provide young Benjamin with this valuable lesson by putting his left arm in the BAD instead of the more historically accurate "offending" arm.

I have taken great care to sew this BAD so that, hopefully, he will not be able to use it as a pocket for hiding his "loot," as I am fairly sure that this would defeat the purpose entirely and nullify the experiment.

I think the BAD might also have the side-effect of making it difficult for our little monkey to climb the bathroom stalls. However, as testing has not been completed in this area, that hope might be prematurely optimistic.

We did run some rudimentary tests with the BAD last night. Various sibling volunteers left their iPods and Gameboys around to see if they could be stolen and kept undetected with only one hand. Although we need further research to duplicate these findings, I am pleased to report that the BAD was effective in theft prevention.

I am, of course, aware that the BAD could become a distraction in the classroom. If this occurs, please feel free to remove the BAD from the classroom and send it to the office.
He can even carry his sling with him.

Yours truly,
Kristie

I Fear We Have Met Our Match

Benjamin.

It's a word that strikes terror into the hearts of countless teachers, children, and senior citizens who live around us. But not us. *We* are smarter than all of these silly people who can't handle one little child. Come on! He's 7 years old. What is wrong with these people? What schmuck can't handle a 7 year old little boy?!?

I mean...just because a kid eats boogers, hair, dog treats, and other unmentionable items...just because a kid finds a piece of used chewing gum on the floor of Walmart and pops it in his mouth....what's wrong with that? Some people might call that strange. I say he's frugal and has a very varied diet. Who knows what nutrients we are missing out on by NOT eating boogers and hair? Why...if I could get all of my kids to do that, I could virtually stop buying snacks! And you KNOW those dog treats have to be nutritious...it says so right on the can. Plus they freshen his breath for when he gives those doggy kisses. The dog really seems to enjoy the affection.

And the ever-changing aromas that waft from this child's body is an absolute delight to the senses. Where else can you get a mixture of urine, baby lotion, bubble gum (stolen from his sister), axe spray (stolen from his brother), and the occasional hint of poop? We should market that fragrance and sell it for $50 a bottle. We could call it "Eau de Benji." I bet it would be a hit in Paris.

And he is so considerate of others. At 7 years old, he already voluntarily uses deodorant. Granted, the deodorant is stolen from the medicine cabinet....but that's not such a big deal, is it? You know how some kids barely put any deodorant on? Not our little Benny Bob! That boy smears deodorant on from head to toe. It actually makes him slippery to the touch! Hmmm...I wonder if that's the idea? It makes it harder to catch him when he's making his fast getaway.

And my little angel is *so* creative! Why just this morning, he told me that he left his homework folder at school. Then he told his teacher he left it at home! Isn't that amazing how he can think on his feet so quickly? I am such a proud mother!

I will admit that the stares of adoring fans are somewhat bothersome when we go out. I just hope the paparazzi don't find out where we live! Obviously, he is easily recognizable.... He's so fashion forward! For example, last year when he wore the suspenders for three months because those darn pants of his just kept falling off of his body during Kindergarten. Geez...what is the problem with those pants?! Sometimes, they even managed to drag his underwear right down with them! It was purely coincidental that these incidents occurred when he was mad at someone.

Oh, and his hair! He always knows exactly which hairs to pluck to create that perfect circular bald spot on the side of his head. And I really admire the way he rubs hair lotion onto the bald spot so that his skin shines. It really brightens up my day.

Yes, our Benjamin adds so much to our lives. I could go on and on and on....

What's that you say?

Why are you laughing?

You say that's not normal?

Whatever do you mean?

Our Ben? Abnormal?

Really?!?!?

Oh.

Benjamin's Favorite Snacks

Ben is pulling his hair out again.

He has this huge bald spot over his left ear. I know this sounds alarming, but honestly, we got over the alarm part a while back. Now, we just sort of look at him and say, "Oh, another bald spot." He is truly a weird kid.

Today at dinner, we were having chicken nuggets. He reached up, yanked out a piece of hair, popped it in his mouth, and said, "Yum." No kidding. He may have even dipped it in BBQ sauce.

Yesterday, we were watching TV when Kim yelled out, "Oooo...stop that! Gross!" I looked over to see Ben pulling boogers out of his nose and eating them. I said, "Ben! Don't do that! Go spit that out!" He looked at me with innocent eyes, and said, "Too late." Popcorn? Ben don't need no stinkin' popcorn! Popcorn is for wimps!

Tonight, when he went to bed, I went to tuck him in. He was obviously chewing on something. The interchange went something like this:

Ben, what is in your mouth?
"Nothing."
Ben, don't lie. I know you have something in your mouth. What are you eating?
"Nothing."
Benjamin! What are you chewing on?
"It's just skin."
What?!
"Skin. From my toes."
What?!
"Don't worry, Mom. It's just meat."

Like I said, he is a REALLY weird kid. Look on the bright side: We'll save a fortune on the grocery bill.

Of course, now I'm wondering what was in that snack mix he made for me at school last week...