Friday, April 25, 2008

Seven Year Old Boys

When seven year old boys don't get boiled eggs when they want them, they get very angry.

When seven year old boys are angry, they take it out on the eggs.

Eggs make a huge mess when seven year old boys smash them onto the metal shelving of a refrigerator.

When eggs are smashed onto the metal shelving of a refrigerator by a seven year old boy, they fall through and make a mess on the bottom of the refrigerator.

If you don't discover these smashed eggs until after the seven year old boy has left for school, they start to get really nasty.

Seven year old boys get suspended from school when they get into fights before school has started.

When seven year old boys get suspended, they get to clean semi-dried egg goop from the bottom of the refrigerator.

Seven year old boys that enjoy smashing eggs do NOT like to clean up semi-dried egg goop.

Seven year old boys who throw temper tantrums because they have to clean semi-dried egg goop are sent to their rooms for naps.

Seven year old boys do not like being sent to their rooms for naps.

Some very unique seven year old boys show their displeasure at being told to take naps by pooping in the cat box.

When seven year old boys poop in a cat box, it stinks badly.

If the seven year old boy poop stinks badly enough, the ten year old family cat will bury the poop.

Although seven year old boys may get some weird satisfaction from pooping in the cat box, they do NOT like scooping the poop.

Mothers of seven year old boys who smash eggs, get suspended for fighting, and poop in cat boxes get gray hair, need naps, and frequently question their own sanity.

Pee Wee Lemonade

Tonight, the boys decided to camp out in Zach's room. I went to tuck them in and they told me that I had to see the new game they created. I stood back and watched as Ben got up and left the room. He started counting.

I thought they were playing some sort of hide and seek. Zach and CJ both dived onto the bed and pulled covers over their heads. When Ben counted to 20, he ran into the room and jumped on the bed and started pulling at the covers yelling, "Who can I find???? Pee Wee Lemonade!!!"

He found Zach. Zach laughed and said that he was "it" now.

I asked, "So are you Pee Wee Lemonade?" He said, "No. That's Ben. I'm Poo Poo Fruit Punch!" CJ said, "And I'm Watermelon Juice!"

Since it was Zach's turn, he left the room and counted to 20 while Ben and CJ hid under the covers on the bed.

I said, "Isn't he going to know you're there?"

They said, "Yeah....he's supposed to!" I was NOT understanding this game.

Zach came running into the room, jumped on the bed, yelling, "Who can I find? Pee Wee Lemonade!!"

Confused, I said, "I thought you were Poo Poo Fruit Punch?" He said, "Yeah...I am."

He found CJ and yelled, "I found you!!! You're it!!"

So, then CJ ran into the hallway, counted to 20, and ran into the room to find Ben or Zach, yelling, "Who can I find? Pee Wee Lemonade!!!"

He found Zach.

Suddenly, the game was over. Ben was yelling, "I won!! I won!!"

I stood there confused. I finally said, "I don't understand. How did Ben win?"

CJ said, "Oh Mom....we know how to play. We made it up!"

Okay....I give up. At least they can keep themselves occupied.....

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Benjamin's Referral

Ben got a referral today. This is nothing unusual. As a matter of fact, he's had a referral every school day for the past 7 or 8 days now. But this referral....well, it was something special. It said:

"Ben told another student he was going to pinch her nipples. When another student asked him what those are, he told him they were 'titties'."

His vocabulary seems to be growing by leaps and bounds. Quite advanced, wouldn't you say?

He's even defining difficult words for other children. I think they should give him a special award for being the vocabulary helper.

I am such a proud, proud mommy.

I know you're jealous. Eat your heart out. He's all mine....

Saturday, April 19, 2008

What If There Was a Flood?

This is an interchange that took place last night while Ben and I were snuggled up watching TV.

"Mom, what if there was a flood?

"Don't worry, Sweetie. We're not going to have a flood."

"But what if there was? Just what if?"

"Then Dad and I would keep you safe."

"But what if I fell in? What if the water got too high and I fell in?"

"Then I would get you out."

"But what if it was like the ocean, and the water was so deep that it didn't stop?"

"Baby, I would still get you out."

"You shouldn't do that 'cause you could get drowned."

"I'd rather drown than for you to drown. I'd still get you out."

Ben seemed to soak this in. He looked so confused. I could see the emotions moving over his face like waves.

"You mean, you care about me more than you care about yourself?"


"But why?"

"Because you're my little boy."

"But you shouldn't do that. You would die."

"I would rather die and let you be okay."

Again, he just seemed to be thinking about this so hard. The waves of emotion were crashing over his little face.

"Nobody loves me that much."

"Dad and I do."

Once again, wave after wave was written across his face.

"I didn't know that. I didn't know you care about me more than yourself."

"Ben, what would you do if you fell in the water?"

"Probably just let myself drown 'cause I didn't think nobody loved me enough to get me out."

"Ben, Dad and I love you enough to get you out. We would get you out or die trying. You are our little boy. I would be so sad if I didn't have you."

"You would?"


"I didn't know that."

Things got quiet for a few minutes. We snuggled up some more. Then he said....

"You really care about me more than you care about yourself?

"Yes, Ben, I do."

"I didn't know anybody could do that."

"Why not?"

"I just didn't. I didn't think anybody loved me that much."

"Well, Dad and I do. We love you that much."

"I just didn't know."

Ben snuggled up against me tighter.

"I'm glad."

"Me, too."

"I love you too, Mom."

"I'm glad."

"Me, too."

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Chicken Soup for the Soul

I was sound asleep having a dream about (what else?) having my blood tested at the hospital. Suddenly, I felt a rather insistent poke. Another poke. Another poke. I opened my eyes. Without my glasses on, I could barely make out CJ standing over me. He said, "Mom, I made you something."

Breakfast in bed? Wow! What a sweet kid! I am a lucky mommy....

I sat up...still no glasses....and reached out to get the bowl of what I expected to be cereal from him.

The bowl was warm.

A bit confused, I peered into the bowl. Again, since I didn't have my glasses on yet, this really was a pointless gesture. I idea what it was... Then it hit me! Oatmeal! He must've made oatmeal!!! Why didn't I think of it before??

So, again without glasses, (and if I'm honest...a little worried) I picked up the spoon, scooped up a big glob, and with a smile on my face, took a big bite of something that was definitely NOT oatmeal.

"Mmmmmmmmm" was all I could manage as I tried not to spit it out. My smile was glued on my face as I chewed something. This is not what I was expecting.

CJ, very pleased with himself, announced, "It's chicken soup! It's my own recipe!" Ah, that explains it...

I was going to ask him what his recipe consisted of when he darted out of the room. I would have stopped him, but I was still chewing. Yes, chewing.

I took a closer look into the bowl. What appeared to be condensed Campbell's Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup made somewhat of a lump in the bowl. I've heard of chunky soup, but this is ridiculous.....

I stirred it up for a bit better consistency, and had just decided that I *might* need to add a little water, when the door popped open again.

CJ was standing there with another bowl. Oh no.

"This is for Kim," said CJ. Then I remembered that Kim was in bed with us. She wasn't feeling well last night, so slept with us. Hmm....not sure if this was going to make her feel better or not....

"Kim, I made you soup," CJ said. As Kim rolled over, a bit dazed, I couldn't help but wonder how Mike was sleeping through all of this.

Kim sat up and said, "Hmmm?"

I said, "Kim, CJ made you some soup." As I looked at her, I tried to send her telepathic messages to prepare herself for what was coming her way. It didn't work.

CJ handed her the bowl and said proudly, "It's vegetable soup!" Kim raised her eyebrows a bit, but graciously accepted the bowl. My brief thought was "ut oh." Condensed vegetable soup...with no water added.... That can't be good....

Kim, the little trooper, looked up at me for direction. I said, "I'm eating mine...yummmmm...." What else could I say? CJ was standing right there with an expectant look on his face.

Kim picked up the spoon and bravely took a bite. Her response was the same as mine had been. "Mmmmmmm......" CJ smiled a huge smile, turned, and took off out the door.

Kim looked at me and said, "I don't think this is vegetable soup."

I looked into her bowl....still with no glasses....and said, "Huh. You might be right."

I decided at this point that it was time to wake Dad. After all, he was next in line...

Several pokes later, Mike finally roused. He took off his CPAP machine and I said, "Prepare yourself. CJ's making us breakfast in bed."

His naive response was, "Oh, that's nice."

"You think so?"

He looked at me questioningly, just as CJ came into the room.

"Here Daddy! Soup for you!" CJ beamed with pride. I had a flashback to Seinfeld and the episode with the Soup Nazi.

Mike looked at him with that look of confusion that was becoming very popular this morning. Again, I tried to send him a telepathic warning. I could tell by the concerned look on his face that the warning had been received.

CJ stood there, waiting for his Dad to take the first bite. Mike gingerly picked up the spoon, put the "soup" into his mouth and said, the now famous response, "Mmmmmmm." Frozen smile.

CJ beamed. "It's Chicken and Rice!" He came over to my side of the bed and said, "Is it good?"

I said, "Oh yes! It's the best soup I've ever had for breakfast!" Kim nodded in agreement. Mike just sat there with his mouth tightly shut and staring at his bowl.

CJ said, "It was my own recipe. A little soup....a little water...stir it up." I must admit that I was surprised that there was *any* water involved in his "recipe." Then he said, "I got burned. A little bit." I asked him if he was okay.

He said, "Yeah. I cooked yours for ten seconds, Kim's for ten seconds, and then Dad's for ten seconds. Yours and Kim's was warm, but Dad's was hot. It sort of exploded on my foot."

He turned to leave. As he got to the door, he turned and said, "Oh, by the way, we're running low on soup."

CJ left. The three of us sat in bed. Mike looked at me and said, "What is this?"

Kim said, "Mine's supposed to be vegetable soup, but it's not."

I told them both that I believe he opened cans of condensed soup and didn't add the water. Or at least not enough. Kim told us that she thought hers was chicken and rice soup, too. Mike said it was the first soup he'd ever had to chew.

We ate our soup in silence. Well, except for the laughing. And the snickering. We tried to keep it quiet so we didn't hurt CJ's feelings.

Mike said, "My soup isn't hot enough." I looked at him and told him that his soup must've been warmer than ours was....CJ burned himself on Mike's soup. Mike said that he didn't know how. I commented that my soup was slightly warm. Kim very matter-of-factly said, "Mine is cold."

Oh, my. We're the three bears. CJ is Goldilocks. Talk about a twisted nursery rhyme.

Just then, the door opened again. CJ was standing there with a cup.

"I made you something to drink," he said. At first, I was relieved. Something to wash it down with. Then it hit me that he said that he "made" us something. Oh, no.

"What is it, CJ?" I cautiously reached for the cup.

"It's a secret recipe!" Oh no.

I looked into the cup, thinking I really need to put on my glasses. It looked like orange juice. Except maybe a little creamy looking. That can't be good. Milk and orange juice? Surely not. Even CJ isn't *that* special....

I decided to take one for the team. I slowly sipped the drink. The tartness was a bit shocking. Thankfully, I had only sipped.

By now, you all know the proper response. Say it with me: "Mmmmmmm."

I swallowed. I looked at CJ, who was bursting with pride, and asked, "How did you make your secret recipe?"

"It's a secret! Now I'm gonna go get some for Dad." Mike went pale.

When he left, I looked at Kim. I wanted to save her. She's my little girl. Her Dad and I would have to sacrifice ourselves for her.

"Kim, honey....go get ready for church. Hurry." We didn't need to tell her twice. She shot out the door.

I decided that it was time to be sneaky. I grabbed my cup that had contained Crystal Light in it and poured CJ's concoction into that cup. I had barely finished when CJ opened the door carrying....I didn't know what he was carrying.

He said, "I'm gonna make Dad's here so you can see the recipe." Well, at least we'll know what went into it.

He poured half a glass of orange pineapple juice. Safe so far. Then he pulled out the canister of Crystal Light. Ut-oh. He opened it and took out one of the little tubs of powder. We generally mix that little tub up with two quarts of water. CJ, however, poured the entire thing into the eight ounce cup that had about 4 ounces of orange pineapple juice in it. Well, that explained the tartness.

He then said, "Now I'll add some water." He went to the bathroom, added about two ounces of water, and brought it back to Dad.

Dad looked at me as if to say "I love you. Remember me." He took a sip. "Mmmmmmm......" CJ beamed again.

Mike, feeling generous, asked CJ if he wanted some. I thought, oh CJ will realize that he messed up.

CJ looked at Mike with one eyebrow raised. "Are you kidding? You two are my taste testers. I didn't know if that stuff would kill me or not!"

With that, he left the room.

Who needs coffee???? We have CJ.......

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Faithful Warrior Goes on the Offensive

I was sound asleep. Suddenly....

"Mom! Mom! It’s on the counter with red eyes and it’s chomping stuff and it’s looking right at me! Mom!"

My groggy brain tried to figure out what was going on. It was too dark in my room to see anything, plus I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but I recognized the voice as CJ, my self-proclaimed "Faithful Warrior."

"CJ? What?" was my sleepy reply.

"Mom! Seriously, Mom! It’s on the counter!" CJ is practically hopping up and down now. I could hear the panic in his voice.

"CJ....calm down. What are you talking about?" I was starting to wake up just a little bit now. At least I knew I was awake at this point.

"Mooooommmm! That thing is over there. It’s moving around. It looked RIGHT at me!"

"CJ, there’s nothing there." We have had issues like this in the past. CJ hears the wind blowing leaves outside his window and thinks someone is trying to climb in. Or he hears the cat downstairs and thinks someone has broken into the windows... The cat! (I think.) That must be what he saw.

" probably just saw Baxter. Go back to bed, Sweetie."

"No, Mom! It’s NOT Baxter! It was chomping on something!"

"Sweetie...he was probably just eating his food."

"I don’t think so....I’ll go check." CJ very softly tiptoes out of my bedroom. I lay my head back on my pillow and start to doze off into oblivion once again.....


"Mom! It was NOT Baxter! Baxter is sitting on the chair looking out the window and it’s STILL there!"

Yawning, I reach for my glasses. "CJ," I say, "everything is fine. The house is safe. The doors are locked. Nobody can get in."

"Mom! It’s there! It really is! It’s got these red eyes and it’s moving it’s head around, and it’s got a body a human body! It’s sitting on the counter in there where we have the stools. It’s chomping, Mom! Seriously, Mom!"


"Okay.....I’ll check."

At this point, my big, strong husband finally wakes up enough to pull his CPAP machine from his face.

"What?" Mike says. Yeah....I already did that part.

"Go back to sleep, honey. CJ is having one of those nights again. He thinks there’s a monster/human thing on the counter chomping on stuff."

Groggily, Mike said, "Just tell him to climb up in bed here and go to sleep."

"Well, I may have to, but let me figure out what he’s talking about first so he’s not scared." I climb out of bed and follow CJ to the door.

When I walked into the hallway, I can barely make out the shape of CJ standing at the top of the stairs. His body is hidden behind the wall and just his head is peeking around the corner.

"Mom!" he whispers in a panic, "It’s still there! Look!"

I walk over to the top of the stairs expecting to see the light from my iPod station that I left on or something similar. Instead, I am greeted by what appears to be five red eyes in a circular pattern moving around on the dining room counter. I was mystified. Or stupefied.

My intelligent, assuring response to CJ’s panic was one word: "Huh."

CJ looked at me and whispered, "I’m scared."

By this time, common sense had returned. I didn’t know what was making those moving lights on the counter, but I knew it wasn’t a human/monster hybrid. I looked around. Sure enough, there was Baxter sitting on the chair looking out the window.

I turned to CJ and said, "Okay, buddy...I’m going to go see what it is."

"No, Mom! It’ll get you! Can’t you hear it chomping?"

I listened. I was rather confounded by the noise that I heard. I actually did sound a bit like....well....chomping.

"CJ, I don’t know what it is, but I’m SURE it’s not a monster. I’m going to go check."

"Well, I’m going to go get my weapons!" CJ darted for his room before I could stop him.

I walked very cautiously down the stairs. What the heck is that thing?!? I can definitely see how this was freaking out my little Faithful Warrior. I briefly thought about my big Faithful Warrior still asleep with his CPAP machine firmly attached to his face. Isn’t this kind of stuff supposed to be the man’s job?

I tiptoed down the stairs. CJ came to the top of the stairs with his weapon in hand: a plastic sword. Yep...that’ll take care of any human/monster hybrid out there! As long as it’s allergic to plastic....

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally made it down the stairs far enough to reach the light switch to the dining room. Staring at those red eyes....five of them, mind you.....that kept looking up at me, then would turn and look somewhere else, then turn back at me, I flipped the switch.
CJ, the Faithful Warrior, was the first to react. "Huh."

I think I said that earlier.

There, sitting on the counter, was the mylar balloon that my big Faithful Warrior had bought for me a while back as a "Just Because" gift. It was shaped like a heart and says "I love you" on it. Somehow the red shiny ballon was picking up the reflection of the light streaming in the slightly open window. The cold breeze that was blowing in moved the balloon around in such a way that made it appear like the red "eyes" were moving.

Standing there, I realized two things: One, it was VERY cold downstairs thanks to the window that I had forgotten to close earlier. Two, CJ was no longer with me.

"CJ? Where’d you go?" CJ came back to the top of the stairs.

"What Mom?" he said with a yawn.

"CJ, did you see what it is?"

"Yep. It’s a balloon." He laughed. The panic in his voice was gone. "Okay, I’m going back to bed now. Love you, Mom."

"Love you too, CJ."

"Night." CJ hopped off to bed.

I followed him, tucked him in and said, "Thanks for watching out for us, Faithful Warrior."

Sleepily, he replied, "No problem. Good thing I had my weapon."

"Yep. Good thing." I’m pretty sure he was asleep by the time I left his room.

I went back to the bedroom, laughing. Mike had finally gotten out of bed and was returning from the bathroom. If there had been a human/monster hybrid, I’m sure it would have waited patiently for him to return from the bathroom before trying to "chomp" me.

Geez....with warriors like these.....who needs human/monster hybrids?