We make them every day. What kind of cereal to eat for breakfast. What brand of toilet paper to buy.
Most choices are insignificant ones that really don't have that much impact on you. I mean...come on....what is going to happen if you buy 2% milk instead of skim or whole?
But some choices matter.
Some choices have an immediate and life-changing impact on you and those around you. And sometimes the right choice isn't clear.
First, we look at what logic dictates. "Well, that's crazy! I'd never do that!" may be heard from well-meaning friends and family. And they're right. I guess that's where the heart weighs in on those choices. Some of the choices we make ARE crazy. But sometimes those crazy choices are still RIGHT. I KNOW that.
It was crazy for us to leave our jobs and move to Illinois. It was crazy for us to adopt three kids at once. Then we were REALLY crazy for adopting three more. All of those crazy decisions have led us to where we are now: a fun, insane, aggravating, scary, awesome, and hopeful place.
Soon we will be acting on a decision that we have already made. I guarantee that there will be MANY people who think we are crazy for what we are doing. They might be right. However, at least it's OUR kind of crazy. We're moving to the country to raise chickens, goats, vegetables, and most of all children.
And now we are faced with yet another decision. Without going into specifics, I can say that this decision is a life-changing decision for us and others.
How do you make decisions like that?
How do you deal with the fact that the lives of others will be affected by your choice?
Do you make the choice that pleases others? Or do you make the choice that your heart screams for? And once that choice is made, how do you reconcile that in your daily existence?
For me, things get really complicated when one choice impacts another. It weighs heavily on my heart that a previous choice essentially limits the choices I have now.
What it boils down to is this: I don't regret the first decision. I think it was the right one. However, I'm human. I don't like the fact that I'm not exactly free to make my own decision now.
Honestly, I don't know what my decision would have been. I know what I WANT to do. But I really don't know what I would have CHOSEN. And I suppose I never will.
It just really hit home that for our family every decision after this point will be impacted by another decision that we made. Every. Single. One.
For someone who has experienced several years of having no control, that thought is very scary to me.
I am plagued with doubts and questions.
What if I mess up?
What if I let everyone down?
What if I let myself down?
What if I regret the decision that I made?
What if I regret giving away my right to actually make a choice?
I teach my kids that life is all about the choices we make. We ARE the sum total of our choices.
What would my choice say about the current situation? I don't know. I gave up the right to make this particular choice. And I'm sorry, but it sucks. (Like I said, I'm human.). I didn't foresee having the opportunity to make this particular choice. It hurts to not be free to make it. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm just aware of what could have been.
Don't get me wrong: I understand. But even though I understand, it still sucks. I'm not sure, but I don't think this is the choice I would make if it were truly my decision.
I'm sure I'll get over it with time. That's what I do. I accept what is thrown my way....usually with a smile. To be honest, I'm having a hard time finding the smile right now. However, as I tell my kids, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!" I'm trying very hard to follow my own advice.
Regret is an unwelcome bedfellow. I don't want to live with more. I have far too much of it taking up space in my brain as I try to sleep at night as it is.
Unfortunately, I see many more sleepless nights in my near future. Logic dictates one thing. My heart cries for another. How do I choose?
The stinging reality is that in this instance, I don't. Maybe that's a blessing in disguise.
Either way, I'll get what I get, and I won't throw a fit. Although I may need to retreat into the shadows to lick my wounds a while. Thanks for being patient with me as I wait for the wounds to heal.
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