Monday, June 29, 2009

Why You Should NEVER Buy a Brown Toilet Seat

Okay ladies....I'm sure all of you with boys (or maybe even husbands) at home know how disgusting it is to sit on a toilet seat that has we say christened.

I've always thought that there is nothing quite so icky (yes, I said icky) as sitting down and feeling the wetness. Ugh. It's just nasty. That's why we teach our boys to lift the seat. That's why we encourage them to aim true.

With five members of the male persuasion in my home, I've learned to check the seat for those tell-tale little droplets. It's second nature. I see them. I clean them. My behind sits on a dry seat.

Well, today, I went into the bathroom to powder my nose. (Work with me people. This is a public blog. Let's just say that's what I was doing.)

I looked down at my pretty wooden toilet seat. The white ones always look so plain. My behind prefers to sit on oak, thank you very much. I checked for droplets, saw none, and happily sat down.

There was an unmistakable squishy feeling as my nether regions came into contact with the oak seat.

Acting on instinct, I jumped up very quickly, turned, and looked at the seat. I didn't see anything. I thought maybe it was my imagination. So I did the only reasonable thing I could do. I sat down again.

Yes. Again.

And it squished. Again.

This time, I stood up, leaned down to get a better look, and that is when the smell hit me.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the brown oak seat was not quite uniform in appearance. There seemed to be a slight discoloration at the back of the seat. Frightened of what I would discover, I got some toilet paper and wiped it across the spot.

It came off. Well, some of it came off. Quite a bit was still firmly attached to the seat. Except now, it was smeared across the back.

Fighting the urge to gag, I tossed the toilet paper into the toilet.

Then it dawned on me. I sat in that. Twice.

I have never in my life reached for a washcloth, lathered it up, and scrubbed any part of my body so quickly or so thoroughly in my life.

The moral of the story?

NEVER buy a brown toilet seat.


  1. Awesome! For what its worth, a dear friend paid an unexpected visit (translation: otherwise, I would have cleaned the bathroom), and came out looking shell shocked. I figured she just wasn't used to messy kids. Went in there after she left, and sure enough, our white toilet seat was, shall we say, chunky! Oh, the laughs we have over that episode...

  2. That is exactly what happens here. I can usually tell now though because of the poopy fingerprints all over the bathroom first. It's my early poo warning system!

  3. OMG that's hysterically awful!! I've got 3 boys myself but they have their own bathroom thank goodness. You couldn't PAY ME to use their bathroom. Heck, it's hard enough to force myself in there to clean it every once and awhile. ACK

    I found your blog on ATN Yahoo group.

  4. Oh. My. Gosh.

    Ok, I often write LOL about funny posts or online comments. But this time? Literally, laughing out loud, something that doesn't happen very often for me when reading. :-)

    Thanks for sharing. ;-)

  5. LOL! I try very hard to never use my boy's bathroom.